


Forgive Me

by XmagicalX (Xparrot)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, Gen, Juvenilia, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-04-07
Updated: 1997-04-07
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xparrot/pseuds/XmagicalX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Spoilers for "Memento Mori".</i> How far will Mulder go to save Scully's life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note: Yes, I know there's lots of these, but I haven't   
> read practically any, so if it copies any others it's pure   
> coincidence. For anyone who's read my previous fanfic (ie "Sound   
> Minds"), I have now seen 30 episodes (yay!) and loved them all.   
> This little number's a result of thinking about "Memento Mori" a   
> bit too much...not watching it though; I find it too painful for   
> now; waiting for the cancer to be cured before I memorize it.  
> PS: I love feedback, e-mail me with any opinions about this at   
> all!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, et al. belong to Chris Carter and 10-  
> 13 productions, though if he actually does something like what   
> happens in this fanfic I think that he should automatically   
> forfeit all his rights to them. Just personal opinion! I swear   
> I'm not making any serious suggestions here, or any money! And   
> the story is copyright ME, 1997.

Scully, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I had to.

   
It worked! Oh, God, Scully, I mean what I wrote above. Except   
that writing that was a desperate plea, a last effort. A moment   
of weakness, of doubt. And even if it succeeded...well, I didn't   
know that I'd be able to write this. But I can. It's hard, but   
I'm writing it.

I am sorry, I'm honest in that. But, you can forgive me. You've   
forgiven me for so much, Scully. For leaving you behind a   
thousand times, for ditching you because I wouldn't risk you.   
Forgive me now.

I had no choice. Or rather, I did, but I exhausted all those   
venues. They were failures. This was my last resort. I didn't   
do this on the spur of the moment. I have been...it's been on my   
mind for weeks now. Was on my mind. Ever since you called me.   
Ever since I saw you in the hospital, ever since I saw those X-  
rays and heard you tell me that the tumor was inoperable. I   
couldn't accept that. I didn't accept that.  
I tried. I tried everything I could think of. Every other   
possible solution was a failure. This...this was a success.

You're thinking now that I was mad. That this was just a   
delusion, maybe a result of denial. A final denial, denying that   
this was meaningless.

It wasn't.

I wish, I wish more than anything now, that I could give you   
proof. If somehow you could check the time that this was   
written...but if all goes to plan, you won't even read this for   
at least twenty-four hours. Maybe even longer. Maybe you won't   
know until you come to work Monday and I'm not there. Then...

No, I think you might know sooner. Maybe you even know now.   
Sometimes you seem to. How many times have I called you, late at   
night, and you're awake already?

Maybe you'll get a full night's sleep now.

At any rate, you'll think it was before. That I wrote all this   
and then...I tell you now, it was after. I write this somehow, I   
don't even understand it fully, but I will. Everything is a lot   
clearer, now. In ways you can't imagine; I couldn't have, I   
never did. Even though I'd been here before.

It's very difficult writing. I'm not even using a pen; just the   
ink, somehow. I'm driven, though; I always was. I had to write   
this. I had to tell you.

I think most "spirit manifestations" are hallucinations or lies,   
now. I don't think I could manifest, no matter how much I want   
to. The effort I'm expending just writing this...

If you believe me, it's worth it. Even if you don't, it was   
still worth it.

I know you might not understand. But you will. Soon. Next time   
you go to the doctors. Next X-ray they take, maybe you'll   
understand then. When they say "spontaneous remission" or   
whatever other term they use to mean medical miracle. Or when   
you realize that you're feeling better, that you aren't so tired,   
that you no longer have nose bleeds.

Scully, it was a bargain. I only had one chip, and no aces up my   
sleeve. And I didn't know it would work. But there weren't any   
other options.

And I made the deal. It was accepted. Thank God, or Fate, or   
whatever was responsible, it was accepted.

I didn't just head into this unprepared. I thought it out. God   
help me, I did weigh the consequences. I was logical, be proud   
of me, Scully. I used reason, this wasn't an act of passion, or   
emotion, or whatever it appears.

I did it because...because of a lot of things. Mainly because of   
my last experience with this. Deep Throat almost never lied. He   
spoke the truth when I saw him last. When I stumbled into the   
abyss and they, my father and him on one side, Albert and the   
rest on the other, they pulled and pushed me out. Well, this   
time I threw myself in willingly, and it's too late for anyone to   
get me out.

But Deep Throat that time, he told me that there was truth, but   
not justice. Asked me what the use is of truth, when you can't   
accomplish anything with it. And the answer, of course, is   
nothing, beyond simple satisfaction of knowledge. I'll get that   
satisfaction now. But the justice...that must be your work,   
Scully.

That was why. That was why this was necessary. Because you can   
still find the truth, find the answers and make things right. I   
can't help you anymore with that. But you can do it.

Me? I couldn't have. Not without you, Scully. You're stronger   
than me. I know this. I know you can do it alone.

As I knew that I could not. If you don't believe, ask your   
mother. Ask her what I was like when you were gone, when you   
vanished and I couldn't save you. Even when you came back, I   
couldn't. And that was three years ago, Scully. Did you think   
I'd gotten less dependent? Just because I sometimes ignored you.   
Because sometimes I pushed you back, and sometimes I sounded as   
if I hated you?

Forgive me for all that. Please forgive me for that, too, as   
well as for this. I was trying, I was trying to keep you away,   
to separate myself.

It didn't work.

I found that out, the moment you called, and I realized how short   
a lifetime can be. I knew then that no matter what, this is how   
it would end. I tried to deny that. I thought I could. I   
thought I could find another way, another way to fix everything,   
but I couldn't. And then this was the only possible finish.

There was no choice in the matter, really. Believe that, Scully.   
If the cancer that's now dying in your body as you read this had   
instead made you die, then know that I would have been in this   
same position. It might have been the day after, or a week, or a   
year.

So I took the path with the greatest possible reward. And I got   
it. I know I did. If only you'll believe...

Bargaining with the devil is dangerous, because Satan always   
manages to find a loophole. But Death...Death has more honor.   
Death rarely makes bargains, so very rarely. But those made are   
kept.

I doubt that just anyone could make such a bargain. This isn't   
pride; it's honesty. Not many people have walked along the brink   
of the abyss as many times as I had. And even fewer have been in   
it, the way I had. I was a dead man, then I was back.

I didn't understand the Blessing Way then the way I do now. But   
I knew that it would help. Because I knew exactly how it felt,   
to be hovering directly between life and death. And I needed   
that memory.

I used it to find the correct time. When I reached that point, I   
stopped myself. I wouldn't allow myself to die, I held my soul   
in place. I don't even know how I did it, really. I just knew   
that I had to.

And in that twilight I made the bargain. I gave myself to Death.   
I gave myself as a surrogate, and I think the only reason I was   
accepted was that I had so many times teased with mortality.   
Death was anxious to have me, I think. So anxious that to   
guarantee possession that another soul was allowed to slip away.

Remembering, looking over this...Deep Throat was right. Time is   
absent now. It feels as if it was a lifetime ago that the words   
at top were written. It was less than an hour ago, I think.   
Less than an hour ago I could still feel, I could feel the cold   
metal against my skull.

I'm sorry for that too, for the manner I did it. If it means   
anything it didn't hurt very much. I expected more pain,   
actually. There was a brightness before I even heard the   
gunshot, and then I caught myself in that brightness. If I had   
just allowed myself to leave it wouldn't have hurt at all, but I   
had to make the bargain. Which took no time, or an eternity.

I guess I could have done it cleaner. If I still had a stomach,   
it would probably be churning now, looking over my handiwork. I   
hope they cover the body, or move it, by the time you get here.   
I tend to doubt it, though. Again, I apologize. It's good your   
stomach is stronger, too.

I'm not being cavalier. I'm trying in some way to make you   
smile. I don't know what you'll be feeling as you read this.   
Will you be crying? I wish I knew. I know that I would have   
cried, if I read this and your hand signed this, but you are not   
me. And I can't cry now, anyway.

I don't want you to join me. Despite what I would have done. I   
don't think you will. I hope that I know you that well. I think   
you'll be able to go on.  
I don't want you to cry. I want you to be happy. If you have to   
forget me...I don't want to be forgotten, Scully. It's said   
that's how something is truly dead, if it's forgotten. I don't   
know if that's true, but I still have pride, somehow. Something   
that wants remembrance.

But, Scully, if to live normally, if to live happily, I can't be   
part of you...then forget me. I beg you to. I want you to find   
the truth. I want you to find my sister and tell her I wanted to   
find her...I can find her now, but it won't help her. I want you   
to find out all the lies and expose them. But I want your   
happiness, I want you to live, even more than I want all that.

If after reading this you burn it, if you think it was all a   
trick or a delusion and you forget everything I've said, it   
doesn't matter. Because the cancer's already dying, your life is   
already returned to you. That is enough for me.

This has become more and more difficult. I'm cheating Death in   
some small way. Not in the biggest way, not the way I did   
before. That was why I used the method I did: so Death would   
know that I would not, could not renege on my side of the   
bargain. But now, staying here to write this...can't do it for   
much longer now. If I still had lungs, I'd be gasping now. As   
it is I feel drained...

Tell my mother I'm sorry, too. Maybe it's the cruelest thing   
I've ever done, to abandon her. Show her this letter, if you   
keep it. Explain that I had no choice. I hope she will   
understand.

My will has probably already been found. If not--it's in my   
right jeans pocket. I've checked; no blood got on it. Perfectly   
legible. Most goes to you, Frohike does get the videos, Langly   
and Byers get a few other items. It wasn't signed with any   
witnesses because I couldn't tell anyone what I was planning. If   
I had you would have found out, and somehow you would have   
stopped me, until it was too late and you weren't around to stop   
me anymore.

I'm going to stay here as long as I can. I'm going to stay until   
I see you, see you read this, see your response. If I can...I'll   
do something. I'll manage it somehow. If wind ruffles your   
hair, or touches your cheek...one last time...

Please, Scully, please keep on searching. Find the truths out   
there, find my sister, not for me, for justice's sake, for   
truth's sake. You're the only one that can, now.

Sometime, at last, we'll find truths together again. But not   
now. Not for a long time.

I wait willingly. Don't hurry, Dana. Please.

(signed)

Fox Mulder


End file.
